"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."

After a temporary hiatus, I return to the blogging world feeling relieved and rejuvenated. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind, but I have come out feeling like for the first time in a long time, everything in my life is in its place.

Nearly two weeks ago, I went through a frivorce (my word for a friend divorce) with my best friend of almost seven years. In all honesty, I think the betrayal began a few years ago when the loyalty ended. There was betrayal on both sides, as well as from parties outside the situation. The respect was gone, and I had not felt happy in the friendship in quite some time. I guess you could say I was cowardly, because since I considered her to be family, I never quite had the courage to walk out of her life. I have never been good at walking away from people who I protected, or people who needed me. In the end, though, another party was the catalyst for the fall, and in essence, it became the straw that broke the camel's back.

I stuck it out for a few days, but ultimately, I knew it all needed to end. Over the past year or so, I have rid my life of toxicity in all forms, and this was truly the last toxic thing, and situation, in my life. I knew it was time to let it all go.

With the help of some very loyal, amazing friends, I was able to move out of my apartment and in with a dear friend in less than 12 hours.

It is never easy to lose a friend, and there is nothing quite like divorcing your best. As difficult as those few days were, I felt the world lift off my shoulders upon the split. I will always have some great memories of our friendship, but in the end, the bad seemed to outweigh the good.

I know we both ended up hurt, but if there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that I will not live my life feeling bitter and angry. I once heard that holding a grudge against someone is unnecessary, because while you're carrying the grudge, that person is out dancing.  One Buddhist quote says, "holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Being bitter or angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Sometimes, you just have to admit the truth and move on. The truth is, no one won this fight. I am not proud of everything I said or did, but I have no regrets. I am only human, and I am not perfect. I make mistakes, but in the end, the most I can do is wake up each day and try to do it better. I certainly never intended for things to end the way they did, but I have already felt the air around me change.

I am in a much happier place, I am staying true to myself, and I am one step closer to reaching my goals. I am so grateful for my friends and family, who have done nothing but support me during one of my life's greatest transitions.

It's never easy losing someone you love, but when it's all said and done, all you can do is wish that person the best and try to learn from the situation. Sometimes, there are no great quotes to sum it all up. Sometimes, you just have to forgive yourself, admit you did the best you could, and move on.

Cheers to a new day and a new beginning.

-Kali

One-Day Hiatus

There was a blogging hiatus on Tuesday, February 15. I had personal things to attend to, so I wasn't up for blogging. I will have another blog ready to go later today.

Thanks for bearing with me.

Cheers to a new day and a new beginning...

-Kali

Great Expectations

I find it appropriate to start this blog by addressing the elephant in the room... the big, heart-shaped, chocolate-covered, pink and red elephant in the room... Otherwise known as Valentine's Day.

I am a single lady. Many people do not understand the concept that being alone sometimes means choosing to be alone. I am not a relationship person. When I am in a relationship, I tend to get so wrapped up in the other person that I stop forgetting who I am and what I want. Right now, at this time in my life, what I want is not to be in a relationship. What I want is to work hard this year and move to London next year. I know so many people who think they have to find the love of their life in college, otherwise it will never happen. I feel sorry for these people. What happened to people believing in something called destiny? Believing in a soulmate halfway around the world that you accidentally bump into in line for a midnight movie in Rome?

Oftentimes, being with someone at such a young age means one person ends up sacrificing their wants and needs for the other. I am a girl with dreams bigger than even I can imagine. I also believe many women my age have big dreams too. The difference is, I truly believe I can make mine happen. I believe enough in myself and my future to know that my dreams can, and will, come true. Since I know this, I don't have to settle for a relationship just to say I'm in a relationship... Just to have someone to exchange gifts with on birthdays and holidays. I love giving gifts to myself, which is equally rewarding.

I know how I get when I am in a relationship, and unless I meet the right person, I am not willing to give up on my dreams just to have the label of a boyfriend. I would rather be single than in a relationship with a controlling person who does not let me make my own decisions. I would rather be single than in a relationship with someone who wants me to give up on my dreams. I would rather be single than in a relationship like Gary and Amber's or Ronnie and Sammie's... I hope you all know your MTV references. If you live under a rock then all you have to do is Google the names and immediately you'll understand what I mean.

I was once told by one of my dearest friends that everyone knows I am not a hopeless romantic, but it's funny how even the people you're closest to don't even understand you sometimes. The truth is, I am probably more romantic than most people. Some people think romance is in the simple things, but I prefer extraordinary. I don't judge anyone for choosing simple, so I shouldn't be judged for wanting something unimaginable to most people. I would rather believe that I might meet the love of my life outside Buckingham Palace, drinking coffee in Central Park, or at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I believe in love at first sight and as much as I try to fight it, I believe happily ever after is possible. As much as I love labeling things, I don't want to be with someone just to make it FBO (Facebook official). I want to continue to flirt and date and come home and curl up on the couch at the end of the night or whenever I feel like it. I want to follow my dreams before I settle down, and I refuse to feel guilty for that just because society says I should. We put so much pressure on each other, and ourselves.

What we need to do, is stop expecting so much from people. For the most part, I have always been an optimist. Even in the darkest moments, I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel. When we fall to the bottom, we can only rise up. Throughout my life, I have made my share of mistakes. I haven't always said the right thing or done the right thing, but I'm human. My family and friends are my world, and being a good daughter, sister, and friend is at the top of priority list.

I truly believe I have been a great friend to many people throughout my lifetime. I might be the type who is stubborn and likes to take charge, but I am a loyal friend. I would do anything for my friends, but recently realized some might not do the same. Sometimes being too good to people means getting walked all over or taken advantage of. This is one aspect of my life I have struggled with for years. I do so much, just to get little in return.

I have given up on a few friends recently, and I'm sure letting go of a few more is in the works. I am so adamant about not putting up with a boyfriend who treats me badly, so why should my friendships be any different? I would rather have a handful of best friends and know in my soul that we would do anything for each other, than be in a crowd full of people not knowing of one I could count on. I think it's time we start expecting less of others, and more of ourselves. It is important to believe in the good of others, but getting rid of the expectations leaves room for opportunities for people to surprise us when we least expect it. De-cluttering one's life not only means getting rid of some material possessions, but it also means getting rid of the toxic people who bring you down. In 2011, I only want to surround myself with positive people who believe in me, and most importantly, themselves. Good relationships of any kind are not built on jealousy, competition, or envy. Good relationships are built from unconditional compassion, support, and love.

The truth is, I love love. I love people who are in love. I love people whose significant other makes them a better friend and a better person. I do not like when someone changes for someone else, or when people give up their whole lives for another person. Granted, relationships include sacrifice, but that means sacrifice from both sides, not just one.

Ultimately, what makes me happy is seeing others happy. If you are in love, I hope that love brings out the best in you and makes you a better person, not someone you are ashamed of. I truly hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day and I hope you all took the time to appreciate all the different kinds of love in your life. Life is about timing... As long as you believe it so, the good things will come. Remember, being alone on this day does not mean you have failed. In fact, it takes courage to be comfortable and confident enough to be alone with yourself. It takes courage to wait years to find the person you are meant to be with. Some people, like me, put our future in a higher power and continue to believe that the good things in life cannot be planned... The good things happen when least expected.

Cheers to a new day... a new dream... and a new beginning.

-Kali

Some days are blog worthy...

 ...Today is NOT one of those days. Here’s the good stuff:

I watched Apollo 13.

I worked at my mom’s office all afternoon.

I watched the first part of the Grammy’s.

If anyone considers any of this to be thought provoking blog material, please let me know. Of course, I could write about the Grammy’s, but I won’t. Anyone who knows me can tell you I am OBSESSED with red carpets and awards shows, but here is my dilemma: I haven’t finished watching the show yet. Something came up and I ended up having to run out shortly after it started; however, I have the Grammy’s recorded, so after I go back and watch every second again, maybe I will write about them. Until then, this is all you get.

Cheers to a new day, the hope of something blog worthy tomorrow, and a new beginning.

-Kali

Passion, Pancakes, and Plyometrics

Today, my life centered on three P's: passion, pancakes, and plyometrics.

PASSION:
Exactly 34 years ago today, my parents were married at the First Baptist Church in my mom's hometown of Idabel, Okla. Like any couple, they have had their ups and downs, but they always seem to make it work. Exactly two years ago today, one of my best friends started "officially" dating the man we would now consider to be the love of her life. I have to start this blog by telling both couples congratulations and happy anniversary. Besides school, there is nothing in my life I have stuck with for two years, let alone 34. I cannot imagine how challenging it must be to make a relationship last for two years, and especially 34. My kudos to all of you out there doing the same. The critics can say what they want, but in the end, it takes a multitude of passion to put up with someone for a lifetime.

PANCAKES:
Since I happened to be home for my parents anniversary, I decided to make it somewhat special. I have been wanting to throw them a surprise party for years now, but unfortunately, I lack the monetary funds. If they survive until the big 4-0, a big soiree is in the works. Until then, I must settle for less. Instead of throwing a party, I purchased a few items and decided to make a nice spread. I have a hard time sleeping at home, so I woke up about 6 a.m. An hour later, I started cooking. I made pink chocolate chip pancakes, scrambled eggs, and chocolate covered strawberries. I set up the food next to the red tulips, anniversary card, and mimosa ingredients. In my father's usual fashion, he had woken up at 5 a.m. and eaten breakfast at Panera Bread. Since I knew this would happen, I really intended to make the special breakfast for me and my mom. She was ecstatic, though. So there we sat, watching taped episodes of the Oprah show and eating our perfectly pink pancakes.

PLYOMETRICS:
I took some time to relax after the big breakfast, before I started my daily workout. Today marked the official second day of my P90X workout. I started the P90X program earlier in the week, but each day, when I read more information in the fitness guide, I realized I was doing the program wrong. Last night, I took the time to create my 90-day workout schedule, and I completed my first intense workout. Today marked day number two: plyometrics. The plyometrics day is one of the toughest on the program, because this type of training is designed to bridge the gap between speed and strength. Needless to say, I started suffering during the warmup. Nevertheless, I am passionate in my effort to actually work at something for 90 days. It's not exactly two years, and it's definitely not 34, but for me, a 90 day commitment to anything is a huge start.

Ultimately, it does not matter whether your passion comes from creating a life with someone you love, cooking pancakes in the kitchen, or working out to create a healthier you. I once heard it said, "if there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you. And you will find great things happen for you, to you, and because of you."

Cheers to a new day... A new beginning.

-Kali

"I need a light in the dark as I search for the resolution..."

When it comes to new year's resolutions, I prefer to start mine in February. Well, actually, I never even thought about it until this year. Each year, I make long lists of resolutions, but I never make it much further than the first week of January. I came to the conclusion that there is still a lot of stress and pressure throughout the month of December, so I couldn't just be ready to resolve things the first day of the new year. A hangover on the first day of January is not exactly kosher when creating a new aura. Instead, I gave myself a month to manage the stress, consider my resolutions, and breathe.

Now that the first (and almost second) week of February came and went, I think it's time to stop putting things off and actually make the life changes. It is now or never. I knew if I didn't just finally face it all, then summer would be here and I would be stuck in the same rut as 2010. I refuse to do this. I am determined to change my life in 2011. Although I have not officially started my resolutions, I have already made more positive changes in 2011 than I did in all of 2010. 

I have spent much more time focusing on my friends, trying to become healthier, and living an all around more balanced life. Now is the time to kick it into gear, though.

So, here they are. My 2011 New Year/New Me Resolutions:

My hand-written 2011 New Year's Resolution list.
I originally intended to begin crossing items off February 1.

1. Blog almost every day
2. Be a better daughter/Listen to my parents
3. Be a better friend
4. Go to mass more/Go to mass on each Holy Day of Obligation
5. Use classier language (in other words, stop swearing like a sailor)
6. Take better care of myself/Get healthy
7. Eat less fast food/Exercise more
8. Get organized and de-clutter the excess baggage from my life
9. Find a job or two
10. Graduate college
11. Volunteer more
12. Save money
13. Manage stress better
14. Work on my book
15. Read often

Although I have started living a healthier lifestyle, I am not ready to cross off number 6. If something on  a list is crossed off, I mentally note the task as completed. Taking care of myself and creating discipline will be an ongoing process, so the goal is nowhere near completed. So far, I can cross items 7, 8, and 9 off the list. I have eaten much less fast food, and I have exercised more in the past month than I have since I was a high school athlete. As for number 8, I decided to get rid of all the clutter in my personal space by having a personal liquidation sale. Although the sale will not take place for a few more days, I cleaned out my home and got rid of the excess. I have been suffocating in my material possessions for years, and I knew I could not better my soul unless I got rid of the clutter. 

As for the final accomplished goal, I did find (and get) a job! I will work 25-30 hours a week at a small insurance company called Insurance Solutions. The marketing/public relations job is a new position within the company, and I will be in charge of their grassroots marketing program. Since the job is weekdays between the hours of 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., I am attempting to obtain one more part-time job. This job is at a local restaurant, so I must say I am somewhat nervous. I have never waited tables, but I am confident I can manage. Ultimately, I am a hard worker, I am good with people, and right now, I'll do just about anything for money... Except prostitution. I don't think an STD would be good for my new soul. Nevertheless, I have filled out my application, and will be submitting it to the restaurant early next week. Wish me luck!

Why, might you ask, am I trying to revitalize my life in 2011? The answer: To get out of here in 2012. I love my friends, my family, and my life, but I never saw myself settling down in Oklahoma. The goal is to save money this year, so I can move to London next January. I set a time-frame on London life for a period of one year, because everyone says they can picture me moving to London and never coming back. The truth is, I love the United States, and I know I'll miss my family, so I plan on coming back; however, I will not return to Oklahoma. When I return from Europe, the goal is to move to New York City. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of living in New York, because it is the perfect place for dreamers like me.

Of course, these are my goals for now. My dreams and goals change every day, so pay close attention and try to keep up! I am constantly searching for something more, and I never feel comfortable staying in one place too long. I am a girl who cannot commit, so my location could change as often as my shoes. Until then, I will spend this year finishing my last two college courses and working my (as the British say) bum off, with the hope that it will all pay off.

Be sure to follow my blog and keep up with my adventures as I navigate this road called life. 

Cheers to a new day... A new beginning.

-Kali